The Babylon Bee Presents: The Leftist's Guide To Defending Critical Race Theory
Worldviews · Aug 4, 2021 ·

With school boards and governors out there banning Critical Race Theory, defending its wholesome and totally not racist content can be a tough job! Luckily, we here at the Babylon Bee have made a handy how-to guide to help leftists stand up for their favorite theory.

Objection: CRT shouldn't be taught to young kids.

Answer: CRT is not being taught to young kids you racist!

Take a page out of Joy Reid's playbook and simply say that CRT is only being taught in law schools. Since the original founding texts of CRT from the 1970s aren't being assigned to 1st graders, you are totally correct.

Objection: If CRT is only taught in law schools, great! Then we can all agree to ban teaching it to eight-year-olds.

Answer: Are you saying you don't want kids to learn about slavery, you racist?!

CRT is simply telling the truth about American history. This is why adults today, having not had the blessing to learn CRT as kids, have never heard of slavery or Jim Crow.

Objection: Wait, I thought you said CRT was only for law school? But if it's just teaching about the history of racism and slavery - doesn't that mean it is currently being taught to kids?

Answer: Yes, but kids are being taught that slavery was a good thing, you racist fascist! 

Kids are being taught outrageous lies about slavery. Kids are hearing falsehoods such as 'slavery was good, actually' and 'thousands of Americans died fighting to end slavery' and 'the Civil Rights Act was good and helped bring about the end of Jim Crow'. Nonsense!

Objection: But wait, those last two are facts! Shouldn't we be teaching children facts?                 

Answer: Facts are white supremacy, you racist, fascist, homophobe! 

Remind this loon that facts and objectivity are simply constructs of whiteness. We teach whatever will help us reach the political goals we want; whether it's true or not is unimportant.

Objection: Your political goals seem to originate in neo-Marxism and aim to destroy the core elements of liberalism that are the foundation of our country.

Answer: Fall on the ground and play dead until they walk away. 

Be sure to share this with every teacher you know, so they'll be prepared to combat anti-CRT rhetoric at school this fall. Unless we can get school canceled again. That would be great. 

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