After getting married, we Babylon Bee writers made the surprising discovery that wives do not always mean exactly what their text messages say. Weird! While we still cannot figure out why women write in riddles, we have spent years cracking the code behind several of their cryptic messages, which we are ready to share with the world:
Text: "OK so don't be mad"
Translation: I just adopted 17 more kittens.
Text: "Hiii"
Translation: I'm lonely so please quit your job and be with me and talk with me forever.
Text: "Can u pick up some bread?"
Translation: Can u pick up some bread and a list of as-yet-undetermined things I will text you after you wait in line and have just checked out.
Text: "Just wondering when you'll be home"
Translation: I had a huge, massive emotional breakdown today and I need you home right now.
Text: "It's fine."
Translation: Everything is fine. Obviously.
Text: "U there?"
Translation: I know you're there, you have five seconds to reply.
Text: "How's work?"
Translation: I just bought 17 more wicker baskets so you should ask for a raise today.
Text: "The car is doing something weird"
Translation: There's an axle on the roof.
Text: "K"
Translation: RED ALERT!!!
Text: "I'll be ready in 5 minutes"
Translation: You can build another table in your workshop, shower up, read a Brandon Sanderson novel, and then I'll be ready.
Text: "I want tacos"
Translation: I want tacos.
As you can see, we really know our stuff around here. Now give us a second, one of our wives just texted, "I need to talk." Pretty sure this will only take just a second.