Parenting can be difficult. Many parents blame themselves for any problems, but it’s really the kids’ fault. They’re just bad kids and you’re stuck with them.
Adding to the frustration are all the parenting books with the unrealistic goals of perfect, well-behaved children. You know that’s not going to happen because, once again, your kids are just bad. Totally depraved, really. Also, who wants to read those as they’re boring and you’d rather just read Harry Potter again.
So we at The Babylon Bee are here to help by giving you more realistic parenting goals that you can actually achieve. Now you can work towards these and feel good about yourself and better about your bad bad kids.
- When your kid takes his shoes off in a random area of a home, car, or business, get him to take them both off in the same location.
- Teach your child to kinda obey you after the sixth time you say anything.
- Remember to make your children at least one meal before bedtime.
- Make sure children have at least 15 minutes of non-screen time per day.
- As soon as it’s lights out, teach your children to engage in only quiet misbehavior.
- No more than one meltdown every time they attend Sunday School.
- Have them play video games about outdoor activities.
- No matter what you serve your kids for dinner, they have to at least look at it before saying they don’t like it.
- Get your kids’ names right on the first or second try.
- Make sure your kids know the words “please” and “thank you" exist.
- Train your children in at least enough biblical knowledge to know that God is the good one and the devil is the bad one.
There you have it. Go forth and train your children up in the way that they should go, or at least the general direction.
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