We are in the middle of a pandemic! Everything is problematic! How are we supposed to enjoy a good ol' game of American football in times like these? Easy. Follow these simple suggestions for a safe and inclusive Super Bowl LV!
- Don't have a Super Bowl party: Are you kidding? Why in the world would you have a Super Bowl party in times like these? The best way to be safe? JUST SAY NO.
- Instead of saying "YAYYYY TOUCHDOWN!!!!" Nod your head and quietly say "amen": Cheering basically turns you into a deadly virus-shooting lawn sprinkler. Don't cheer. You could instead write down your play-by-play emotions in a journal.
- Read passages of White Fragility in between plays: We need to make sure we take the appropriate time to reflect on our privilege.
- Buy a TV for everyone at the party so they can all watch the game alone in a separate room: Anything less could kill Grandma.
- Wear foam fingers on both your hands to stop the spread of germs: Also, wear one on your head.
- To prevent double-dipping and contamination, reduce the 7-layer dip to a much safer 2 layers: Even better, avoid dip entirely. Eat dry chips while silently looking straight ahead. Science.
- Mix hand sanitizer with the salsa: It's just common sense.
- Complain loudly about Colin Kaepernick not being there: All your guests must know you're on the right side of history.
- Give everyone a nasal-swab COVID test at the door: NASAL swabs, you sicko.
- Cry during every commercial that mentions unity: They ALL will. Buy plenty of Kleenex.
We hope you enjoy a safe and politically-correct Super Bowl this year! Or, you could just go to Sunday night prayer meeting, you sinner.