Christian Nationalism is a Satanic movement in which Christians love America and vote for Republicans. It is literally the evilest thing that has ever existed in this country, and the gravest danger the American church has ever faced. It is important to stop this wicked, depraved, idolatrous movement before they organize another insurrection — or worse, elect a Republican.
Origins: One day Trump had a meeting with Satan in his underground lair and concocted a diabolical plan to trick Christians into voting for him by banning abortion and cutting taxes. Thus, Christian Nationalism was born, and millions of so-called Christians voted for Trump — even though he's a sinner. Despicable!
Beliefs: Christian Nationalists literally worship Trump. They think he's a god. They pray to him and stuff. At least some of them do. At least, we think. The rest worship Jesus but still voted for Trump... which is really no different than worshipping him. Shame!
Methods:
- Prayer
- Voting for Republicans
- Going to church
- Having lots of kids
- Being white
- Can also be black or Hispanic, but voting for Trump automatically makes them white
- Memorizing the Constitution
- Building walls
- Insurrection
- Dancing around a golden Trump statue and sacrificing virgins in a roaring fire in the light of the full moon
Notable accomplishments: Making America the most racist country in the world, turning millions away from Christianity, overturning Roe v. Wade.
How to spot a Christian Nationalist: You can always tell a Christian nationalist by their MAGA hats. If they're not wearing a MAGA hat, you'll know by when they say things like "I love America," or "Gee, I'm not a fan of what Biden's doing." Just like the Nazis.
Famous Christian Nationalists: Hitler, Satan, and Trump, but we repeat ourselves.
Famous enemies of Christian Nationalism: AOC, Joseph Stalin, Fidel Castro, David French.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
