Mayor Adams Mandates Bike Helmets To Protect New Yorkers From Getting Sucker-Punched
Politics · Aug 19, 2022 ·

NEW YORK CITY — In response to the rising cases of random New Yorkers being sucker-punched by thugs, Mayor Eric Adams has instituted a new city ordinance requiring citizens who leave their home to wear protective helmets.

"Crime is going up for some unknown reason," Mayor Adams admitted during a scheduled press conference. "But not to worry, I have just the thing!"

Adams unveiled a picture of the new "pedestrian" helmet by removing the curtain he had previously draped over a nearby flip-chart easel. He proudly went over key details about the new helmets and described how they would help protect citizens when they are inevitably sucker-punched.

"David Farkel, New York Post," said David Farkel from the New York Post. "Mr. Mayor, to be clear, are you really saying that everyone needs to wear a bicycle helmet when they leave their homes?"

"Thank you for the question. No, the city will not be requiring what you ask. You see, these are not bicycle helmets," Mayor Adams answered. "Bicycle helmets are for bike riding. These are pedestrian helmets for walking around."

"But aren't they the same helmet?" interjected New York Times reporter Peter Mayhew.

"These come in business black," clarified Adams.

The lone conservative in New York, who lives on 114th Street in Harlem, has been critical of the new mandate. Other citizens have voiced support for their mayor who they say is "at least doing something."

At publishing time, Mayor Adams had been sucker-punched by a homeless convicted serial killer out on bail. The helmet did nothing.

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