VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — In light of the ongoing war in the Middle East, the hosts of The 700 Club have set the Rapture Clock two minutes closer to the start of the tribulation. Viewers are advised to engage in common-sense soul-searching as they approach the end of days.
Co-host Terry Meeuwsen elegantly moved the minute hand forward while smiling. "Look like we're going to need more donations to keep this minute hand back. Please call in with your donation today!"
The Rapture Clock has never been closer to midnight, except for when it was one minute to midnight back on 9/11 and 30 seconds to midnight back on June 8, 2023, when founder of The 700 Club Pat Robertson passed away.
"Folks, the Rapture is almost upon us," said co-host Gordon Robertson. "Wear a clean pair of underwear because you'll soon be leaving it behind for all to see. Also, be sure to give us money."
"It's the only way."
At publishing time, the Rapture Clock was quietly moved back 20 minutes when nothing happened.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
