AUSTIN, TX—Governor Greg Abbot has signed into law a bill that deputizes students in Texas classrooms so they can use their lassoes to hog-tie any teachers promoting critical race theory and forcibly drive them out of town.
The bill is part of a wider national effort by red states like Texas to combat critical race theory since efforts at the federal level have stalled under the scrutiny of Democrats like President Joe Biden. In the main provisions of the bill, each student will be given a little deputy badge, a 10-gallon hat, and a set of shiny spurs that ring out authoritatively on each step.
“This bill is about teaching true racial harmony and true history,” said the Governor at the signing. “It also empowers deputized students to take responsibility for the maintenance of their communities and Texas culture by driving out these cowpokes that just aren’t doing their jobs in Texas schools.”
Students were already beginning to take up their responsibilities at one school in San Antonio as several teary-eyed school teachers were run off into the desert with their hands still tightly bound.
"Yeehaw!" yelled 9-year old Susannah as she fired her revolver into the air. "And don't you commies ever come back, ya hear?"
According to the bill signed today, critical race theory would not only be prohibited from any school district’s curriculum, but violators may also be tied up to a SpaceX rocket fired from Starbase on a one way trip into the sun.