AUSTIN, TX — In what has been talked about as a "last-ditch attempt" to avoid all-out war, Texas has announced it has agreed to a two-state solution with the city of Austin. Officials hope this distinction will help calm decades of growing hostilities in the region.
The solution will divide the region into two states, Texas and the Democratic Socialist Republic of Austin.
"This is the only way for us to live in peace," said Texas Governor Greg Abbot. "The citizens of Austin have been at war with the people of Texas for many years now, and to end the bloodshed for future generations, we are willing to recognize Austin as its own separate and sovereign land."
The resolution brought much-needed relief to the war-torn area, where battle lines had been drawn along the border of Austin. "The weirdo hipsters of Austin can stand down now," said Texas Senator Ted Cruz in a statement acknowledging the resolution. "The people of Austin can now stop patrolling the perimeter of the city in armored tanks and go back to driving electric vehicles, painting strange murals nobody understands, and hating everything the United States stands for."
Though the situation now stands at a tentative peace, Governor Abbott stated in no uncertain terms that Texas would continue to exercise caution toward Austin. "Let me be clear," he said. "The state of Texas will remain ever-vigilant in case Austin chooses to start any more trouble. The eyes of Texas are upon you, you commies!"
At publishing time, rumors persisted that radical Austin insurgents were hard at work constructing an intricate network of underground tunnels and stockpiling weapons and ammunition in schools and hospitals.
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