CAMBRIDGE, MA — After facing weeks of pressure to resign following scandals involving campus antisemitism and plagiarism, Claudine Gay has announced she will step down as Harvard's President. She delivered her remarks this morning in a tearful speech entitled "Gettysburg Address."
"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal," began Gay to a crowd of tearful diversity studies students. "Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war."
"I don't really know what these words have to do with her resignation, but the words are so beautiful!" said one 4th-year student who attended the speech. "It's a tragedy to lose such a gifted writer and orator."
Sources say the crowd was moved to tears by the time the speech concluded. "I have concluded that because of the Watergate matter I might not have the support of the Congress that I would consider necessary to back the very difficult decisions and carry out the duties of this office in the way the interests of the nation would require," she concluded. "Therefore, I shall resign from the presidency effective noon tomorrow."
At publishing time, Harvard confirmed they were already interviewing several other communist black women to replace Gay.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
