HOUSTON, TX—Texans are struggling to keep warm amid a cold snap that has brought arctic temperatures to the region. Left with no other options, many Texans are being forced to cut open cattle with lightsabers and crawl inside to stay warm.
One rancher and his ranch hand were forced to take these drastic measures when temperatures approached the level of springtime in Ohio and his horse froze before he reached the first marker.
"This steer really smells bad, kid," said the rancher to his shivering ranch hand. He then cut open the cow's carcass and encouraged his employee to crawl into the warm, steamy entrails. "But it'll keep y'all warm until I get the shelter up."
Reports across the state indicate that every business is deserted, and every town decimated after a devastating dusting of 2 inches of snow.
"We will come back from this tragedy and rebuild," said Governor Greg Abbott. "In the meantime, FEMA has promised to send us more lightsabers."