NEW YORK, NY — A new study indicates a disturbing trend as testicular injuries in women's sports are increasing at an astounding rate. Researchers are baffled as these statistics have skyrocketed from literally zero reported testicular injuries among female athletes just a few years ago.
"This new wave of testicular injuries to female athletes has really come out of nowhere," said Dr. Ryan Kitchen of Boston College's Institute of Sports Medicine. "Years ago, there were absolutely no reported testicular injuries that occurred during women's sporting events. If only we could determine what led to this sudden rise. Such a puzzle!"
Institutions around the world have also noticed the disturbing trend and are pouring research dollars into discovering the cause, which is almost certainly a complicated issue with no easy or obvious answers whatsoever.
Critics have argued that it's not actually possible for a female athlete to suffer a testicular injury. "Yeah, that can't happen," said Dr. Adam Kinunen of the Restore Sanity to Sports research group. "Considering the fact that having testicles in the first place means a person is not a female, it would stand to reason that such an injury is impossible. In layman's terms, these are dudes."
Trans activist groups have come out in full force against anyone who dares to suggest women cannot have their testicles injured because women can't have testicles. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Sunshine Fluffsprinkle, spokesperson for Insanity Now, a trans rights group in response to the findings. "BLLRRRAAAWWRRRR FFFRRGGGTHTHTH!"
At publishing time, concerned researchers in the field of sports medicine were consulting with athletic equipment manufacturers to design protective athletic cups specifically designed to protect female testicles.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.