GAZA — Terrorists across the globe faced the bitter reality today that if they rape and murder hundreds of women, the United Nations will give them a country to operate and billions of dollars.
"Today, we have put terrorists on notice," declared Secretary General António Guterres to the United Nations General Assembly. "Let it be known that the consequences of mass rape and murder will be swift, and in the form of cash."
Terrorist organizations reeled from the shocking news, stunned by the United Nation's dramatic action. "My English not so good, let me be sure I understand," said terrorist Mohammed Deif. "We do nothing, get no money. We rape women, United Nations give us money? You are sure?" asked Deif, clearly dazed by the harsh new reality. "And you say if shoot children, we get to run country? Well, okay... if we must go rape women and shoot kids, we must. Bye-bye."
The Biden administration has thrown its full support behind the move, vowing to hunt down every single terrorist and personally give them a suitcase of cash. "We will not sit idly by as ruthless barbarians film themselves raping women and butchering children," declared Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "We will ensure those murderous psychopaths receive their just due - a country to plan more attacks from, and the cash for more ammo and GoPro cameras. There will no more warnings, only cash."
At publishing time, billionaire terrorist leaders living in Qatar had learned the devastating news that they would be receiving millions more dollars for their role in financing mass rape.
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