CANCUN - Tweeting while on a family vacation this week, Ted Cruz slammed his critics, claiming that those who hate on him are just sexually frustrated and unable to resist his raw sex appeal.
Cruz said that Democrats who are fixated on criticizing him all the time are obviously motivated by their "deranged sexual frustrations":
His tweet thread went on to claim that any criticism of him is really just from people who have a thing for husky, sexy, Cuban Americans with manly beards, the intense gaze of an antelope, and the raw strength of a Texan stallion. Those who hate on him, Cruz claimed, are just hypnotized by his speaking voice, the rich baritone notes mesmerizing its victims like sailors enticed by a siren's song. They are drawn to him, an alpha male whose powerful presence and distinct scent of a dusty Texas sunrise in September cause his haters to lash out in their unfulfilled desire.
Mmmm, Ted Cruz.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.