KANSAS CITY, MO — In a pop romance earthquake, Taylor Swift dumped Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce for new beau Holden Armenta, better known as "Face Paint Boy".
Swift fans across the country immediately burned their newly-purchased Travis Kelce jerseys in ceremonial bonfires, then set about painting their faces and acquiring Native American headdresses. "I'm just so, so happy for Taylor," said longtime fan Audrey Langston. "The way she looks into his little black and red face, you can just see it was meant to be. We are all Taylor Swift in search of our own face paint boy."
Sources report Travis Kelce was completely blindsided by the breakup, his NFL status simply no match for the shooting star that is "Face Paint Boy". Swift will reportedly release an album entitled "Chief of Heartbreaks" tomorrow, with thirteen tracks describing the demise of her and Kelce's brief romance. Travis Kelce has stated he will not listen to the songs as the pain is simply too acute.
At publishing time, Swift was spotted at a Kansas City restaurant with her face painted half-red, half-black, and wearing traditional Native American garb and doing a rain dance.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
