U.S.—Bible scholars revealed Thursday they've discovered the true identity of the swarm of locusts in the book of Revelation: Twitter.
The panel of experts confirmed that through rigorous contextual study, they've come to the conclusion that the apocalyptic symbol actually represents people viciously attacking each other on the toxic social network.
"A violent, bloodthirsty swarm descending on the earth to devour and destroy? Yup, definitely describes a Twitter mob pretty accurately," said Dr. James L. Marcus of The Master's Seminary. "We were always pretty sure the locusts represented helicopters, but now it's clear that it's actually Twitter." Marcus added that all dispensational end times charts would have to be updated to reflect the official change.
Revelation chapter 9 reads in part, "And out of the smoke locusts came down on the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth." Experts believe the reference to scorpions is definitely talking about people blasting others they disagree with on Twitter. The passage continues, "They were not allowed to kill them but only to torture them for five months. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes. During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them."
"Being tortured for what seems like forever? Preferring death to the agony of the sting? Yeah, that's Twitter alright," Dr. Marcus added.
At publishing time, the team of Bible interpreters had confirmed the painful sores poured out upon the earth are a symbol of Facebook.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.