U.S.—A new study found that politicians cannot be harmed from heart issues due to the COVID-19 vaccines, as they do not have hearts that can be affected by complications such as myocarditis.
"Politicians? Oh yeah, they're totally safe from getting any kind of heart inflammation," said the head of the study, Dr. Ree Boyd. "You kinda gotta have a heart to inflame, ya know?"
Experts say the study illustrates why politicians have been so quick to get vaccinated, while ordinary humans, who have hearts, are more hesitant. "It seems people who have a heart and non-lizard blood flowing through their veins are more likely to be worried about heart issues," said Boyd. "Lizard people tend to worry more about things like how to keep harvesting humans for a food supply and the eventual total domination of our planet."
"It's just a cultural and physiological difference it would seem."
At publishing time, another study had also found that politicians are entirely safe from ever getting brain damage.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.