BALTIMORE, MD — This week, a new study from Johns-Hopkins University has concluded masks are over 75% effective at helping small children stay protected from oxygen.

"After measuring the blood-oxygen levels of children before and after they wore masks while sprinting around the park, we discovered that the kids running around with masks stayed 75% safe from breathing in oxygen molecules," said Dr. Kron Neblork in the abstract for the study that was circulated through several leading medical journals. "This is a good thing, as we have also found connections between people who breathe oxygen and people who die. Also Dr. Fauci, blessings be upon his holy name, told us so."

Scientists involved with the study assured skeptics that their results were found using real and trustworthy science.

"Our methodology was rigorous: after progressive parents finished letting their sweaty toddlers huff and puff for even a breath of unencumbered air while running around the playground, we took the toddlers who hadn't fainted and measured their blood oxygen levels. Our control group was parents whose kids can breathe freely – and of course, we advised Child Protective Services to stay on standby in case any of the parents expressed vaccine hesitancy during the data-gathering portion of the study."

Red-faced toddlers sucking air through thick cloth masks is expected to remain normative in liberal-majority cities in the near future, with parents feeling secure in the knowledge that young children will not have to face any of the ill effects that come from unencumbered exposure to oxygen.

At publishing time, the CDC had announced that the study warranted a mask mandate for young children to be instituted and extended indefinitely, in order to keep parents safe from worry that their children could breathe any harmful air particles.

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