Struggling Biden Campaign Now Offering One Month Of Free AOL For Rally Attendance

U.S.—Joe Biden's campaign is struggling to motivate younger voters, but he has a plan: offering free AOL trials to anyone who shows up to his rallies.

"Come on by, say hi to uncle Joe, and grab one of our free AOL CDs," Biden says in an ad for his campaign tour. "You know, the great thing about AOL is that you get so many hours of internets. Only squares use Compuserve, Prodigy, or MSN. We're keen on America Online!"

The campaign has warned that it's first come, first served, so you'd better hurry if you want to experience the lightning-fast speeds of AOL's 56K dial-up service.

"I love America Online," Biden continued as he booted up his Windows 98 PC. "Every time I hear that grinding, beeping sound while trying to get on the internet, I just know that I'm about to experience the world wide web at a rate of one web page per hour." 

His wife then screamed at him to get off the computer as she was expecting a call. "Well, I'd better go," Biden said, chuckling. "But remember, for the fastest interwebs in town, come see Uncle Joe. You won't regret it -- probably."

Rally attendees will receive their choice of a CD or 3.5" floppy disk good for a free trial of AOL dial-up service. Joe will then say hi and shake their hands "and maybe more if you're lucky."

Babylon Bee subscriber Phil VanKlinken contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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