HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.
"I need a man to do this for me or I will literally die," said Mrs. Stallings, staring at the raised toilet lid. "It's such a heavy lid and I simply can't trust myself to know if it's up or down. One wrong move, and I'm a goner!"
Although an otherwise highly capable and intelligent woman, the toilet seat has remained Mrs. Stallings' kryptonite. "I can speak three languages and build my own furniture, but you put me in front of a toilet and I'm clueless," said Mrs. Stallings. "Not only am I at a loss as to what to do, I am overtaken with the fear of death that accompanies every trip to the bathroom. It's a bewildering experience."
Mr. Stallings has reportedly made a genuine effort to put the toilet seat down, but admits he occasionally forgets. "I really am trying. But the one time I forget, she comes at me like I tried to have her killed," said Mr. Stallings. "It's an honest mistake, and a toilet seat just seems like something she would be capable of handling. But she is adamant a man has to take care of this one for her."
At publishing time, Mr. Stallings was spotted measuring the diameter of a toilet in a vain attempt to convince his wife that using the toilet does not constitute mortal peril.
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