NEW YORK, NY — As the Donald Trump criminal trial continued to make headlines for both its political implications and the artistic renderings of the people involved, adult film star Stormy Daniels offered hush money to the courtroom sketch artist to get him to stop drawing her.
The actress and escort raised objections over the artist's depiction of her as a haggard old woman with a weird lopsided face and long crooked neck. Sources say she sought to pay him off in a last-ditch attempt to minimize the damage he had caused to her public reputation.
"Name your price," Daniels was overheard saying to the sketch artist during a court recess. "My entire image and career are predicated on my looks. Your drawings are killing me. I mean, look at this one. You drew me like I'm some sort of lobotomized nursing home resident. Is that really what you see when you look at me? My head isn't shaped like that!"
The artist, who asked to remain anonymous, was unsure if he should accept Daniels's offer. "She's trying to bribe me," he said. "She doesn't like the way I draw her. But I'm an artist. I'm not in this for the money. I'm a creator. If I want to make her face look like a foot, I can do that. No amount of money she offers me is worth more than my artistic integrity."
At publishing time, the sketch renderings from today's day in court seemed to depict Daniels with missing teeth, warts on her nose, and wavy, green "stink" lines emanating from her.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
