Female Secret Service agents have caught a lot of backhanded remarks as the country has reacted to the recent shooting of Donald Trump. Some people even seem to think having Lady Secret Service agents might not be the best idea in every situation. That's absolute hogwash!
We at the Babylon Bee understand the critical role female agents play in the Secret Service, so we've put together this listicle to help underline all of the special talents these ladies bring to the table:
They can hold up their little makeup mirror thingies to reflect the sun into the eyes of an assassin and blind him: He'll never see it coming.
They have no qualms about recklessly running over curbs or pedestrians while driving the getaway car: They'll do this during normal motorcades too, though, so it's a bit of a double-edged sword.
They have experience changing diapers: (Biden security detail only)
They'll always make sure that everyone is safe and that no one gets hurt by standing on a slightly inclined roof: Safety comes first!
They can do that cool move where the boy Secret Service agents lift them above their heads like cheerleaders to provide even more shielding to the president: Rah! Rah! Rah!
Their high heels double as sharp stabby weapons: We've seen this in the movies.
It's very easy for the President to reach over their short bodies to shake hands with the crowd: So convenient!
They are extremely ferocious and deadly at about the same time each month: You'll be well protected, as long as you remain on their good side.
You only need to pay them 78% of what a male Secret Service agent makes: Who says the government doesn't care about saving money?
Their hair ties can double as a tourniquet in an emergency: As long as you can convince them to mess up their ponytails.
They're great at kissing boo-boos: Nothing helps a bullet wound like a nice kiss to make it all better.
They are every bit as strong and capable as men: Netflix films have proven this once and for all.
Well, there you have it — maybe now you'll think twice before criticizing the idea of female Secret Service agents. Do better, bigot!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
