WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartfelt address to the American people today, Director of the Secret Service Kimberly Cheatle assured the nation that she wasn't trying to get Trump assassinated, stating instead that she's just very highly incompetent.
Cheatle's statement follows a host of speculations about potential foul play or intentional negligence on the part of the Secret Service, which prompted her to clarify that her failings stem from being bad at her job, not from any ill-will towards Donald Trump.
"I just want everyone to know I would never, ever actively attempt to allow a presidential candidate to be injured in any way, even if he is an evil fascist monster who should die," Cheatle said in an interview. "Of course, I wasn't trying to get Trump killed…there is absolutely no basis for the conspiracy theories currently being spread online: I'm just incompetent. It's as simple as that. I deeply regret my total lack of baseline aptitude which led to the situation."
"Also, I will not be resigning."
Homeland Security Secretary Mayorkas also gave a statement, saying: "I stand by my incompetent Secret Service director one hundred percent, and any suggestion that we are involved in a Deep State conspiracy to murder Trump is a sick distortion of the truth. We just really suck. Thank you."
At publishing time, Kimberly Cheatle had sent extra personnel to Wisconsin to make sure no Secret Service agents climbed on any roofs to protect Trump at the convention.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
