U.S.—States along both coasts of the contiguous U.S. have urged people to hit the gym or tanning salon before they go to the beach as the country slowly reopens.
"Please, for the love of all that is holy, hit the gym once or twice before you take that shirt off at the beach," said one state governor. "If you love your fellow man, please, please, please lose a little bit of that quarantine weight."
Experts warn that millions could be scarred for life from the sight of overweight, pasty white people taking off their shirts while swimming at the beach. The brilliant glare of the sun reflecting off everyone's newly albinoed skin is expected to cause significant disruption to aircraft passing overhead and could even scare away oceanic wildlife and small children.
Some states like California have said their beaches will remain closed indefinitely to avoid risking the horrifying sights that are sure to damage people's eyesight permanently. "If it saves one person's eyesight, it will be worth it," said Governor Gavin Newsom.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.