Health
States Urge People To Hit The Gym, Tanning Salon Before They Go To The Beach

U.S.—States along both coasts of the contiguous U.S. have urged people to hit the gym or tanning salon before they go to the beach as the country slowly reopens.

"Please, for the love of all that is holy, hit the gym once or twice before you take that shirt off at the beach," said one state governor. "If you love your fellow man, please, please, please lose a little bit of that quarantine weight."

Experts warn that millions could be scarred for life from the sight of overweight, pasty white people taking off their shirts while swimming at the beach. The brilliant glare of the sun reflecting off everyone's newly albinoed skin is expected to cause significant disruption to aircraft passing overhead and could even scare away oceanic wildlife and small children.

Some states like California have said their beaches will remain closed indefinitely to avoid risking the horrifying sights that are sure to damage people's eyesight permanently. "If it saves one person's eyesight, it will be worth it," said Governor Gavin Newsom.

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