SACRAMENTO, CA - California is currently on fire, having also been plagued by darkness, earthquakes, and hippies. State leaders are claiming they have "no idea" why God keeps lighting them on fire, though they just voted to reduce penalties for pedophiles in the name of equality for the LGBTQ+ community.

"It's unclear here what exactly we're being punished for," said Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference as the state burned down around him. "We are a progressive utopia. We're the other states in fast-forward. We pass amazing legislation that shows our love and inclusiveness of pedophiles of all sexual orientations. We are doing exactly what Socialist Jesus would want us to."

"God should be thanking us. He or she didn't build this land of progress."

State legislators, trying to figure out why God keeps unleashing bowl after bowl of wrath upon California, cast lots and threw all the remaining Republicans in the state into the Pacific Ocean in hopes that the plagues would subside. Both men were swallowed by a great fish and are expected to survive.