WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House has announced President Joe Biden will be skipping out on this year's State of the Union address, which will instead feature a 90-minute broadcast of a dumpster engulfed in flames. Both houses of congress are expected to assemble as usual as the raging dumpster fire roars into a microphone.
House Sergeant at Arms William J. Walker will light the dumpster at the commencement of the address. Members of Congress are then expected to applaud in a partisan manner as the cathartic flames burn brightly into the night.
According to sources, this is the first act of Biden's presidency to receive genuine bipartisan support. Congressional Democrats feel the move to a dumpster fire is fitting given that the president can't string two sentences together, and Republicans are planning to boo anything anyway.
"We don't expect much difference in this year's State of the Union compared to previous years," explained Press Secretary Jen Psaki. "No one's going to watch it and then political pundits will read way too much into it as usual."
NBC reporter Peter Alexander asked, "Isn't this just a waste of everyone's time?"
Psaki was unable to hide her displeasure with the question. "The president feels, and I agree, that the people are ready for some honest answers. We feel that a flaming pile of garbage best articulates what the president is trying to convey at this point in time."
The State of the Union will be broadcast on March 1st at 9 PM EST on C-Span. Experts believe it may become one of the highest-rated State of the Union addresses ever as viewers tune in to see if the fire will get out of control and burn down the Capitol building.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.