U.S. — In an effort to make up for serving incredibly lousy coffee, Starbucks has rolled out a new plan to heat all drinks to one million degrees Celsius.
"Our coffee may suck, but boy is it hot!" said Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol. "With your taste buds melted off, you'll never know the difference - trust me."
According to sources, the coffee is being heated using a combination of nuclear reactors and volcanic lava. "The coffee beans we use are essentially ash to begin with, so it works perfectly," explained Niccol. "Once the coffee has hit full temp, you could burn right through six feet of steel with this stuff. I've literally seen a person take one sip and melt twenty feet into one of our cafe floors. It's incredible."
Thus far the reviews have been mixed, as most people died within seconds of trying the coffee as all of their internal organs melted. One man who survived, but had his tongue burned off, said, "Mghhghhg. Mgghgg, mghhhh."
At publishing time, Starbucks had reportedly done away with coffee beans altogether and just began pouring volcanic ash directly into customers' gullets.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
