ATLANTA, GA — A local couple is in shock today after a startling visit from Rightful Georgia Governor® Stacey Abrams. According to sources, the couple was listening to the heartbeat of their child on a sonogram for the very first time when Abrams burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man to inform them that the heartbeat sound they were hearing was fake.
"STOP! TURN OFF THE ULTRASOUND MACHINE!" cried Abrams through a cloud of dust and debris. "That heartbeat is fake! It was invented by the patriarchy to trick you into feeling love for your baby! Run away while you still can!"
Governor Abrams went on to explain to the couple that the images of their baby's face they were seeing on the screen were not really their baby's face at all, but a collection of pixels on an LCD screen created by men to make it easier to control women's bodies.
"We were shocked by her sudden entrance, but we're so thankful she helped us see the light," said the new mother to reporters. "Now I can divorce my husband and abort this baby before my life becomes literally the Handmaid's Tale."
The mother's eyes then caught a glimpse of her baby's smile on the screen and she was overcome by overwhelming maternal love. Sources say she wrapped her arms around her husband and agreed to keep the baby.
"DRAT! Foiled again!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
