PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim.
"Wow, is this Heaven? Cool! So anyway, what are the Nephilim? Were they giants?" one newly deceased man was heard asking, prompting an eye roll from the saint.
"I mean, I'm in Heaven, so I'm not exactly unhappy. But it's very draining talking about the Nephilim every day," Peter said. "I'd just like to talk about something else, you know?"
According to sources, Peter greets approximately 200,000 people on a daily basis, and nearly all of them have questions about the Nephilim. "The people whose names are not written in the Book of Life don't usually ask me about the Nephilim, so they're cool with me, apart from the fact they are damned for all eternity," Peter explained. "But those who studied the holy scriptures in life are always bugging me about the Nephilim. 'Are they giants?', 'Were they just some strong people?', 'Were they aliens?' Ugh. Make it stop."
According to Peter, one of the highlights of his job is meeting dead celebrities, but every time he tries to get their autograph, he gets interrupted with questions about the Nephilim. "We don't get a lot of Hollywood celebrities up here in Heaven, so it's kind of a big deal," Peter said. "But I don't have a single autograph. It's always 'Nephilim this,' or 'Nephilim that.' Why can't I get a single question about who the two witnesses are in Revelation?"
At publishing time, Peter had reportedly hung a sign at his desk prohibiting questions about the Nephilim under penalty of going to Hell.
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