BOSTON, MA — Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing 'Amazing Grace' played on bagpipes.
"Alan is apparently a soulless wraith from the netherworld," said witness Sharon McMillan. "A man who does not openly weep in that moment cannot possibly be human."
The incident occurred during a parade featuring bagpipe players from the Boston Police Gaelic Column. "The bagpipes started into 'Amazing Grace' right as they turned the corner on Hanover Street, and every person on the street broke into tears - every person except Alan," said neighbor Stan Harmon. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing through my tears. I always knew there was something not quite right about Alan. Still, I never had him pegged for a subhuman demoniac."
The neighborhood has remained uneasy ever since word spread about Alan's monstrous barbarism. "We're probably living by a serial killer," said Ms. McMillan, who lives two doors down. "The level of psychosis a man must have to not bawl in response to such music is horrifying. I don't feel safe."
At publishing time, the entire neighborhood had been abandoned after reports surfaced that Mr. Rogers had also failed to cry during the playing of "Taps".
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