WILMINGTON, DE — In a moving speech today, President Biden proclaimed that "Windows has recovered from an unexpected shutdown."

"Windows is checking for a solution to the problem," continued Biden to cheers from the media. "View problem details. Check for solution. Cancel."

Pundits praised the speech as his most eloquent to date, and an immediate rival to the Gettysburg Address. "Not since Martin Luther King Jr. have I heard such a powerful speech," wept MSNBC's Joe Scarbarough. "The way Biden described how Windows had recovered, and was searching for a solution? That is the kind of unifying message America needs right now."

President Trump, though, has said he will never use a teleprompter and will continue to immediately post or say whatever comes into his head.