PEARLY GATES — The late Steve Christiansen, a devout Christian who had filled his mortal days serving others and standing for truth and righteousness, was about to walk through the gates to heaven when an ever-vigilant St. Peter heard him call soda "pop."
With a shake of his head, St. Peter pulled the big red lever and down, down, down the trapdoor went Christiansen.
"That's the fourth 'pop drinker' trying to sneak past me this week alone," said St. Peter while looking at the Heaven-Worthy Questionnaire™ on his holy clipboard. "The fallen state of Man is so great, they know not how fallen they truly are."
St. Peter then called the next in line, one Maria Angelica and ran through the questionnaire to know whether she was worthy to enter Heaven's shimmering gates of eternal splendor:
- "Name?"
- "Do you like Jesus?"
- "Calvinist or Arminian?"
- "What is your favorite color?"
- "Is this green with blue stripes or purple with orange stripes?" *hold up dress
- "What is my favorite color?"
- "Recite the biblical genealogies by rote."
- "What do you call this?" *hold up bottle of soda
At publishing time, Maria Angelica had been last seen falling down, down, down...
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
