A lot of talk has been going around suggesting that slavery is morally wrong, that it's a horrifying human rights violation that future generations will be greatly ashamed of. 

The problem is that critics of safe, legal, and rare slavery aren't looking at the big picture, that slavery isn't just a right -- it's actually a moral good in that it allows us to avoid inconvenient employment costs. Our economy would collapse without slavery. Can you imagine a United States without the unassailable right to own slaves? No, we didn't think so. But the religious right, obsessed with controlling what plantation owners do with their own plantations, wants to end all that.

We cannot let these religious zealots take away our constitutional right to choose slavery.

The reality is that slavery is not the subjugation of a human being or the oppression and slaughter of an entire race of people in this great country. No, on the contrary, slavery is plantation care.

Since this is such an obvious and important truth, we are going to repeat it many times, interspersed with clapping emojis, until you believe it:

Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏
Slavery 👏 is 👏 plantation 👏 care 👏

And if anyone criticizes you for your personal decision to have slaves, just remember to clap back with these powerful words: "My plantation, my choice."