LAKE ELSINORE, CA—Local man Brett Garfield was tragically killed in a skydiving accident yesterday. His death was quickly ruled death by coronavirus by medical experts. Garfield wasn't tested for coronavirus, but he exhibited many of the symptoms, such as suffering and dying, so he was immediately added to the rapidly growing coronavirus death statistics.
"Brett's 42-year-long life was tragically cut short yesterday, presumably by coronavirus, as he plummetted into the ground at a high rate of speed," said a Riverside County health official. "Darn you, coronavirus! How many more will you take from us? HOW MANY MORE!?!?"
As Garfield's body was scraped off the ground with a giant medical spatula, which is how they take care of these things, a coroner stood by and took notes on his clipboard. "Yep, looks like coronavirus to me. If he'd only socially distanced himself from the ground or worn a mask, he'd have been OK. Add him to the numbers, boys."
"I guess you could say he" -- at this point, he put his sunglass on for dramatic effect -- "didn't understand the gravity of the situation."
The coroner spent the rest of the day ruling the death of a bus crash victim, a man hit by a freight train, and a guy crushed by a vending machine as coronavirus fatalities.