GENEVA — A diplomatic council convened over the weekend to vote on a supplement to the Geneva Conventions officially declaring serving on a jury with shrill liberal women a form of torture.
The Geneva Conventions were established after WWII to manage armed conflict and limit the suffering of non-combatants through agreed-upon rules and regulations in the international community. Torture, which is strictly prohibited under Common Article 3, did not initially include serving on a jury with irrational, angry women as a valid method of torture, as women remained silent and were not shrill back in 1949 when the conventions were adopted.
"The Lindsay Clancy murder trial forced all of us to reconsider what torture is in this day and age," said International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) President Mirjana Spoljaric. "No man should have to serve on a jury with such shrill, out-of-control women. It's chilling and the very definition of torture."
IRCRC officials, in cooperation with international diplomats representing multiple world nations, interviewed the holdout juror in the Lindsay Clancy case to determine exactly what he went through and how the international community could best set up guidelines to prevent it from happening ever again.
"You just got to stop putting middle-aged, liberal, white women on juries," the juror reportedly said. "They be crazy."
According to ICRC research, if there are a majority of women on a jury, their cycles will eventually sync up, making them more shrill than ever.
At publishing time, the committee narrowly passed a resolution to name serving on a jury with shrill liberal women a torture method, with 100% of shrill liberal women voting against it.
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