WASHINGTON, D.C.—After being summoned to a meeting with President Trump in a secret chamber twelve floors beneath the White House, Senator Ben Sasse optimistically assumed the president simply wanted to hear some of his concerns and see whether they could cooperate on common political goals.
But when Sasse arrived to the meeting place, Trump himself was nowhere to be found. Two GOP thugs reportedly jumped out and grabbed him, ordering him to bow before a towering Trump statue under threat of being thrown into a fiery furnace.
“When you hear the Christian hymn ‘Make America Great Again,’ bow before the statue,” one of the Republican goons growled in Sasse’s ear. “Almost everyone else in the Party has bowed. What’s the harm? Everyone’s doing it. I would hate for that nice suit to get… extra crispy.”
But Sasse refused to bow throughout the playing of the song, and so was given one last chance. When he still did not comply, Republican henchmen heated the furnace seven times, grabbed a struggling Sasse by the collar, and hucked him in.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that although the Republican brute squad had thrown in one figure, they were amazed and frightened to see two figures still standing unharmed in the flames.