PORTLAND, OR - After a massive, multi-million-dollar marketing campaign and far-reaching internet advertisement initiative, local seeker-sensitive church Widegate Community Church proudly announced it had successfully attracted every genuine seeker of God in the whole world to its Sunday service, bringing the attendance total to exactly zero.

Each and every person on planet earth who decided to seek God of their own will showed up to the historic service, so it was completely empty, according to the worship band and pastor. Church leaders opened up the doors bright and early and watched as wave after wave of absolutely nobody parked in the church's giant parking lot and entered through its state-of-the-art foyer.

"Every single person who seeks after God without His divine prompting showed up," lead pastor of vision casting Larry Anderson said. "We were really blowing the doors off with the zeroes and zeroes of people who came that day. It was totally a God thing."

At publishing time, the church had announced it would be marketing its services exclusively to people with good hearts, and that leadership expected exactly zero people to make an appearance each Sunday.