WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite launching an extensive investigation and having access to visitor logs of everyone who enters or exits the room, Secret Service agents have announced they are unable to identify the individual who has been meeting with foreign oligarchs in the Oval Office under the name "Robert L. Peters."
"We simply cannot offer any answers as to who this person may be," said Agent Sean Kellar, who led the investigation. "We know that emails calling the meetings were sent from President Biden's personal computer and from inside the Oval Office, but anything beyond that is simply speculation at this point. It's a true conundrum."
Members of the intelligence community initially raised questions after noticing a series of electronic communications originating from inside the West Wing of the White House. The emails reportedly contained highly suspicious conversations about potential deals with foreign governments and international business firms and offered favors in return for large financial payments. "Though they contain frequent use of the word ‘malarkey' and references to ice cream, there are no clues that may lead us to the whereabouts of this ‘Robert L. Peters,'" Agent Kellar explained.
The Biden administration was reluctant to address the situation. "We do not comment on ongoing investigations," Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. "Especially if they involve the presidential family or any potentially made-up names."
At publishing time, the Secret Service had begun formulating a new theory that the cocaine previously found in the White House may, in fact, have belonged to this "Robert L. Peters."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.