SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As Hurricane Hilary looms off the shores of the Golden State, Californians are rushing to prepare by nailing plywood boards onto their tent flaps and filling sandbags to protect their cardboard boxes.

Residents have been flocking to their local hardware stores and drug dealers to stock up on essentials, praying the category-four storm decreases in power before reaching their possibly ill-suited tarp-and-shopping-cart shanties.

"We have definitely seen an increase in customers looting plywood rather than the usual power tools," heaved one Home Depot manager while scampering around trying, unsuccessfully, to stop one of the thousands of looters. "Business sure is — huff — booming!"

San Francisco risks a unique threat due to its hilly nature. Thus, authorities have urged residents to use sandbags as a guard against potential floods of poop.

At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had passed a law requiring all outdoor retailers to stock hurricane-proof tents for looters.

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