PRINCETON, NJ — Scientists have concluded a years-long study confirming the indisputable correlation between people putting trust in their government and people also eating paint chips.
The study results come at a time when more and more people believe our country's financial, political, and social problems can be solved by a powerful central government, just like Venezuela.
"Not only did paint chip eaters trust their government," said study co-author, Dr. Reynolds Swarthington while struggling to maintain a straight face, "but trust in government also ranked high among gasoline sniffers, toad lickers, and oven cleaner huffers."
During the five-year study following ingesters of leaded paint flakes, researchers stumbled upon myriad other conditions among the group, such as believing money grew on magical trees, socialism had benefits, and gender was some type of fluid.
In response to the published results, lawmakers proposed a bill supporting a universal basic paint chip supply for all Americans, to be funded by the magical money trees.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.