U.S.—There have been a number of dire warnings about climate change, with some saying we have only a decade to fix things. Others say we have only months. But now climate scientists have revealed the worst news of all: Climate change killed us years ago, and the Trump presidency is some purgatory-like trial similar to the last season of the TV show Lost.
“We’ve been crunching the data, and it’s the only thing that makes sense,” explained climate scientist Andrew Halloway at a press conference presenting the findings. He warned that their scientific conclusion is considered a spoiler for the final season of Lost but also said that the season was “terrible” and that “no one should watch it.”
“We probably died somewhere around 2016,” Halloway further explained. “That’s when everything got really weird -- and everything since has been some sort of trial to teach us a lesson before we move on to the afterlife -- maybe a lesson about teamwork or something.”
While the scientists presented a lot of data to back up their conclusion, many are doubting it or calling it “bad theology.” Some are even calling it “blasphemous” since it implies that God would copy the final season of Lost when God, being infinitely wise, most likely stopped watching the show after the first season.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.