OZARK, MO - A local school has come under criticism after they hung a "gun-free zone" sign up on school grounds, officially designating the building as the perfect place for a mass shooting.
"We here at Ozark High have decided it's time to take a strong stand against gun violence by reminding everyone our school is a soft target with no armed security, police, teachers, or parental volunteers who could possibly stop a deranged shooter," said Superintendent Denny Glorp. "We just ask that any armed psychopathic killers will also respect the sign and avoid entering our unlocked, unguarded premises if they are carrying a deadly firearm."
An enthusiastic crowd of three journalists from New York City clapped and cheered as the superintendent ceremonially hung the sign.
The sign is expected to deter gun crime on school grounds for the first time, as such a sign has never successfully done that before.
"This time, it's going to work," said Glorp. "We did something to show we care about this issue. We are good people. Let's give ourselves a round of applause!"
Several parents in the school district criticized the "gun-free zone" sign but were quickly condemned for being "pro-mass shooting."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
