RILEY, MI—Biblical scholars at the Michigan Institute of Linguistics and Paleography have announced that a previously misinterpreted portion of Psalms was finally going to be corrected in an upcoming translation of the Bible. Scholars have revealed that Psalm 98, famously calling Christians to “sing to the Lord a new song” had been a mistranslation all along.
“We now know that the correct translation of Psalm 98 is to sing to the Lord an old song with a really cool new bridge added on,” said Dr. Harrison P. Huxton, lead translator on the project.
For many worship leaders and Christian songwriters, this confirms something the Holy Spirit had been laying on their hearts for a long time. God was never about new songs and had always been all about bridges.
The complete updated translation of Psalm 98 can be found below.
1 Sing to the Lord an old song with a really cool new bridge,
for he loves when great songs are shamelessly turned into watered-down pop songs;
The acoustic guitar and skinny jeans
have worked salvation for him.
2 The Lord finds pleasure in tacky lyrics
And spreads these mind-numbing ear-worms to the nations.
3 He has remembered his love of rain analogies
And appreciation of sick harmonies;
All the ends of the earth shall sing a new, vacuous bridge.
4 Shout for joy to the Lord, is a great lyric,
burst into the bridge by stomping the distortion pedal;
5 make music to the Lord with the Martin acoustic,
with the 37-piece drumset and effeminate man-vocals,
6 with hipster beards drinking kombucha—
And little thick-rimmed glasses before the Lord, the King.
7 Let old songs be remade, and everything in them,
the world, and all who live in it must sing a new bridge.
8 Make clapping of hands nigh impossible with a 7/4 time signature,
let the mountains cry out in confusion at another unnecessary new bridge, higher than the highest summit;
9 Let thy lyrics be insipid and redundant,
for as he hath no shame, so shall we be shameless, embracing cheese.
He will judge the world by its worship song bridges
and the peoples’ ability to reach new lows, and new high notes, in his Holy name.
Updated Bibles will be available soon.