U.S.—Scholars from seminaries across the nation now agree in a broad consensus that King David wrote the Psalms during his teenage emo phase, a dark period in his life when he dyed his hair black, pierced his lip, and listened to lots of Dashboard Confessional.
"You don't write lines like 'The enemy has pursued my soul, he has crushed my life to the ground' unless you have a little bit of an emo thing going on," said Professor of Ancient Hebrew Literature Dr. Abby Bunson. "David was definitely dealing with annoying parents and maybe some girl issues when he wrote some of this."
Archaeological findings supporting the theory include David's Epiphone SG harp, his lip ring, and his ear gauges uncovered near Jerusalem.
Newly discovered firsthand accounts from the time of David's life seem to corroborate the new theory. One document claims that Jesse assured his son David that his feelings would pass and the emo thing was just a phase. David reportedly replied, "Gosh, dad, it's not a phase. Get out of my room!" before pulling out his harp and playing a Fall Out Boy tune as loud as he could.