U.S. — Scholars at Notre Dame's Department of Theology have found new evidence that the forbidden fruit described in Genesis was not actually a fruit, but a vial of deadly, highly processed seed oil.
"We believe that Satan was tempting Eve to stray from the natural, organic fruit of the garden and try the mechanized, disgusting monstrosity of inflammation-causing seed oils," said Dr. Freg Samblin who led the research team and announced the findings. "Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson were right about this highly toxic food substance. Eve's failure to withstand temptation caused the human race to fall into an epidemic of cancer, heart disease, and Impossible™ meat patties."
Scholars are still unsure whether the forbidden oil was canola, corn, cottonseed, soy, sunflower, safflower, or grapeseed oil, but they are united in their findings that the introduction of this original oil poisoned the entire food supply for thousands of generations up until now.
"I told you that stuff's poison, bro," said Rogan as he responded to the news. "The Bible had it right! Go figure! Maybe I should become a Christian!"
At publishing time, scholars also determined that Paul's "thorn in the flesh" referred to in the book of 2 Corinthians was likely gluten.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
