WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced he was demoting Reps. Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff from the powerful House Intelligence Committee to join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the lesser-known House Party Planning Committee. Their main focus will be planning birthday parties and seasonal potluck celebrations for the upcoming Congressional term.
"This is a very prestigious committee assignment," McCarthy said while trying to suppress a snicker. "Representative George Santos has a birthday coming up, and I've tasked these three with planning a little get-together in the Congressional breakroom."
Sources say that despite their bruised egos, the trio got right to work planning the party. Schiff decorated the breakroom with a tasteful banner made of balloons he blew up himself, along with a large sign reading "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY." AOC hired a soft-pretzel vendor and volunteered to serve drinks, citing her extensive experience as a part-time bartender before joining Congress.
Unfortunately, disaster soon struck as Swalwell tripped over an errant balloon and spilled an entire vat of his famous homemade chili on AOC's white pantsuit. "You've ruined the party and my women's suffrage outfit," yelled a sobbing AOC as she ran from the room. "I'm literally dead!"
At publishing time, McCarthy was forced to cancel the party for unrelated reasons, as he found out that Representative Santos had lied about the date of his birthday.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: