SACRAMENTO, CA — After years of taxing California citizens to capacity and still not having enough in the state budget, Governor Gavin Newsom has proposed a brand new tax on people who live in Florida.
"Look at all those people in Florida with all that money. They aren't even paying California taxes! Like, how selfish can you be, right?" said Newsom to the pastry chef who had just brought out his gold-leaf Tarte Tropézienne at French Laundry. "It's high time for Floridians to pay their fair share of California taxes. This is a matter of basic human decency."
The new proposed tax plan will add an additional 10% income tax on anyone who lives in Florida and makes above $9,000 per year. It will be enforced by an army of illegal immigrants and homeless people from Southern California who will break into Floridians' houses at night to collect the tax.
"With this long-overdue tax on Floridians, we will be able to fill potholes, fix bridges, and fund our preschool queer studies program," said Newsom in a statement. "The time to act is now. If we do not pass this, climate change will get worse."
At publishing time, Newsom had also proposed a tax on cowboy boots sold in Texas.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.