WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn't like eating casseroles.
The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred "something healthy like a nice garden salad" to "fatty, unhealthy casseroles."
Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison's home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church's unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement.
"I apologize to all those I've hurt," he mumbled as several elderly church ladies began fashioning a Molotov cocktail to throw through his window. "It's clear to me now that I'm unfit for ministry. Please accept my resignation, and for the love of all that is holy, don't hurt me!"
The church members reportedly backed down after Pastor Pete began handing out coupons for 15% off a Golden Corral lunch or dinner to quell the uprising.
Harrison is weighing his options but will likely end up back in ministry at a salad-friendly denomination such as the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.