LATROBE, PA — During a surprise appearance at a Donald Trump rally in Pennsylvania, Satan himself opened the proceedings with a word of prayer.
"I'm honored to be here," said the Prince of Darkness to the thousands of excited attendees while frantically tucking a pointy red tail into his Loro Piana slacks. "Now let us pray."
The earthly manifestation of Beelzebub, who now claims to identify as a religious conservative Trump supporter, then prayed to no one in particular and requested favor in the upcoming midterm elections before reminding the gathered Trump supporters how they could contribute to his ministry and Gulfstream fuel fund.
"The more oil we dig up, the more fuel we can buy to send my ministry around the world, to exotic places that need to hear my message such as Bora Bora, Tuscany, and Dubai," continued Apollyon the Lawless One. "We need Trump back in office so I — I mean WE, can find our prosperity once again!"
At publishing time, Trump had told the audience that this "Satan guy" didn't seem so bad and had actually been much nicer to him than Jesus was in the last election.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
