KANSAS CITY, MO — A local church was thrown into an uproar over the weekend as one congregant was instantly turned into a pillar of salt after turning back to glare at what was later found to be a faultless and righteous sound man.
Witnesses say the churchgoer, later identified as Chad Rookstool, had been periodically turning back to look toward the sound booth during worship. "Chad felt like the sound guy had the bass guitar turned up too loud," said fellow attendee Jordan Vaughn when asked for his account of the incident. "Chad has always been known to be somewhat of a salty character, but none of us was prepared for what was about to happen."
Later, as the sermon was being preached, the pastor wandered too close to the speakers with his microphone, causing a brief, high-pitched squeal of feedback. As Rookstool turned back to show his displeasure with the sound man, he was transformed into a pillar of salt. Other church members reported hearing a roll of thunder, while others claimed to have heard a voice from above saying, "Do not turn back to look in disdain, for the sound man is blameless in my sight. This is my sound man, with whom I am well pleased."
Service was halted temporarily as ushers gathered to carry the Chad-turned-salt-block out from among the pews and to the church kitchen. It was later reported that pieces of Rookstool were being chipped off to season casseroles for the church's potluck lunch.
At publishing time, a wave of righteous fear continued to ripple through the church, while the introverted sound man was said to be relieved to be rid of potentially awkward eye contact during future services.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
